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Learn and Grow, Positive Attitude

How to rise above when people want to drag you down…

There will be a time for almost all of us in our lives where someone tries to drag us down, dull our shine or just generally inflict hurt. Sometimes it will be intentional and sometimes completely not. But, when that happens, what I have learnt is that we have a choice.  We can let the experience dent, bruise or burst our confidence, or we can rise above, look for the lesson, remember who we really are, and move forward with grace and dignity.

This topic has really got me thinking about how to help others when they have this experience of people trying to drag them down, as unfortunately, it seems to be a relatively common theme. How can I help others? How do we make sure we rise above tough and testing situations when all we might want to do is write our real feelings across the sky for all to see?

We all know that trolls are on the rise. They have been for years and the ease and availability of social media only makes that easier and not something that is likely to go away any time soon – if ever!  I feel like in the last few weeks alone I have heard numerous examples either in the media, or from people I know where they have been impacted by this.

But here is the hard truth – you have no option but to rise above. There are trolls everywhere and towards almost everyone. Whether that be people hating on the mother who left her child in the car whilst grabbing some cash from the ATM. Whether it be the dream chaser sailing their yacht around the world, learning from their mistakes as they go and sharing those with others. Perhaps it’s even the reality TV contestant who has put themselves out there, even said some things they shouldn’t, but is still actually a human f*cking being with a good and beautiful soul! These trolls have confidence because they have a keyboard, but it doesn’t mean we let them win.

People will test you always. It is what humans do. But how we choose to rise above the tough times and move forward is both a measure of who WE are as a human being and how WE can teach others to do the same.

So, here’s what I have learnt about rising above the haters that I hope comes in handy for you:

You’re angry or emotional at what’s been said or done – GREAT. Now channel it for good. Use the anger and do something with it that will actually help someone, not an emotionally charged, ill written comment on someone’s wall, twitter or Instagram.

Remember the people who know you. Actually know you and believe in you. These are 99.9% of the people – don’t let the 0.1 percent overtake the 99.9%. Focus on them, they’ve got your back.

Stay strong in what you stand for – usually the objective of haters is to tear you away from what you believe or what you stand for, or at the very least remove some level of confidence that you had in your own abilities. Don’t let that happen. Instead, use it as armour to help you rebuild stronger in your message than ever.

Consider this – although this might sting now, is it something you’ll consider in 6 months’ time? If not, don’t let it take up energy that could be focussed on doing something positive.

Keep your eyes on your own pathway and keep working towards it – There are 7.7 billion people on this planet – don’t let the couple of haters make you think everyone feels like that.

Forgive, forget and move on – life is too f*cking short to dwell on things you cannot change. I love this quote I read recently on Tiny Buddha “Forgive these people for raining on your parade and forgive yourself for forgetting your umbrella.” And, if all else fails, think of Disney – if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it at all.

If you need some more help in dealing with negative people, don’t miss this blog post I wrote last year, it also has some handy hints you might enjoy – CLICK Here for how to deal with Negative people.

Or, if you need  a reminder of why it can be good when you aren’t’ liked, check this little baby out – CLICK HERE

As always, remember, I have your back and I am grateful that you have mine.

Much Love,

Claire Seeber

Keen advocate for helping you get the f*ck out of your own way! 
youcan@eatingyourcaketoo.com
www.eatingyourcaketoo.com.au
www.claireseeber.com.au

Author

Claire Seeber is a self-proclaimed travel addict, mini-sausage dog mumma, avid blogger, a lover of a good glass of pinot noir and believes a solid belly laugh should be part of your every day.

She is also a professional coach, speaker and People and Culture consultant. Claire started her business in 2017 whilst working full time as General Manager of HR for a large retail business. What she loves the most about the work she does is being able to work with passionate, motivated and courageous people who genuinely want to reach their full potential and are ready to put the hard yards in to get there.

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I don’t know about you, but this dark and wintry weather is getting me down (and on a side note, made me super hungry ALL THE TIME!). Take me back to the sunshine and cocktails please! Can I get an Amen?

Now, I don’t pretend to be a scientist, but I am pretty confident that there must be a correlation between winter time and people feeling glum, grumpy and just plain negative. Is it the cold? Is it that there is less daylight? Maybe both. Maybe neither. Sometimes people are just negative all year round. How do we deal with that? The negativity? The happiness suckers? The people who just seem to be down no matter what the situation. How do we make sure we don’t get sucked in too?

We all have bad days. We have things going on in our lives that sometimes can impact our ability to be ‘perky’ all the time. These aren’t the people I am talking about. The people I am talking about are the seemingly 24/7 frown upside down folk. Perhaps you work with someone who complains endlessly about their job but never offers any solutions. Or, maybe you have friends who speak negatively about others in your group and just create unnecessary drama. I seem to be having a number of conversations lately about how to deal with this, so I thought maybe a blog post on it with my 2 cents was timely.

It is important to call out that mental health is a serious issue and one that I strongly advocate people seek professional support for if they ever feel they need it. However, that is not what this article is about. Negativity is also a mindset, just as positivity is. We may not always have control over the environment around us, however what we do have complete control over is how we choose to react to an environment or a situation.

Here are some tips and tricks below that I use whenever I feel like I am getting sucked into someone’s negativity bubble:

1. Lend an ear and try to understand what is going on for them – Sometimes people don’t have strong support networks, or any support network. Therefore, they have no outlet to get things off their chest –guess what then happens? It comes out in meetings, emails, or water cooler conversations. Sometimes negative people just need to feel heard – they need to air their laundry and feel like someone empathises with them. If you feel like you can do this, it might help. It also puts you in a position to then do the below.


2. Ask them for something positive – Now that you have heard what is going on for this person – ask them for something positive they can do about it to take action. Alternatively, if you find you can’t do step one, yet you are still met with regular snide remarks and negativity, use this tip as something you can put on the table. What do I mean by this? Let’s say someone has just completely downloaded a whole heap of negativity in a meeting and the tone of the meeting/catch up has taken a dive – you could lighten things up again by saying something like “Ok… well now that we’ve gotten through all the negative, there must be something positive we can do with it?”. Look to that person and wait for them to provide a response.


 3. Don’t take it personally – it is not about you – This is the most important tip of all. DO NOT take other people’s negativity personally. It is not about you. It is about what is going on for them. Often when people are dealing with difficulties in their lives, those around them become the targets of their unhealthy coping strategies. Their behaviours manifest out of insecurities, fear and anger often resulting in outbursts. The most important thing you can remember is that this is about them, not you, so don’t take it personally or take it home with you.

4. Call it out if you feel you can – Sometimes people can be cynical or pessimistic by nature and this can come out as negativity. Often, they don’t even realise the impact they can have on a meeting, a conversation, or the downer they place on what was a positive moment. If you find yourself in a position with someone and they just keep putting in unhelpful or unfounded negative commentary – call it out. Get them to explain more and own what they are saying. You might find that either a) you atleast get to understand what is going on for them, or b) they are forced to own their negative commentary which might see them dial it back.


 5. Be responsible for your reaction – Whether the person is negative or not, ultimately, you’re the one who is perceiving the person is negative. Be aware of this and why you are finding this person negative. Sometimes I see people who are really struggling with someone for being negative, yet others haven’t noticed it at all. That might be because of what has been triggered in your own response bank by this person.

 6. Remove yourself if you need to – Looking after yourself is the most important thing you can do. If you are finding that someone’s negativity is really starting to impact you, remove yourself for a bit. This might be challenging sometimes in a work environment for you to do indefinitely, but it doesn’t mean you can’t take a moment, an afternoon to step away and restore your good energy.

7. Without getting too “Woowoo” on you – Imagine a positivity bubble that these people cannot pierce. If you start to feel that is happening, remove yourself. Take some time out to reflect on you, your other positive relationships and what else you have going on in your life that is positive. Don’t let another person’s negativity dent your shine!

Mindset is such a powerful tool and it is so important that above all else, you look after yours and ensure you are cultivating a growth mindset and a positive mindset.

For more help on how you can do this email me at youcan@eatingyourcaketoo.com and book in your free 30 minute phone consultation.

I help women get out of their own ways. I help you deal with the overthinking. The Imposter Syndrome. The self-doubt. All the things currently getting in your way of being a confident, kick a** woman in your workplace and in your life.

Much Love,
Claire Seeber


Keen advocate for helping you get the f*ck out of your own way! 
youcan@eatingyourcaketoo.com
www.eatingyourcaketoo.com.au

Author

Claire Seeber is a self-proclaimed travel addict, mini-sausage dog mumma, avid blogger, a lover of a good glass of pinot noir and believes a solid belly laugh should be part of your every day.

She is also a professional coach, speaker and People and Culture consultant. Claire started her business in 2017 whilst working full time as General Manager of HR for a large retail business. What she loves the most about the work she does is being able to work with passionate, motivated and courageous people who genuinely want to reach their full potential and are ready to put the hard yards in to get there.

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There must be something in the water at the moment. We are in some sort of crossroads where people are reflecting on their relationships and the value of those relationships in their lives. In the last few weeks I feel I have had very similar conversations with multiple people all about disappointments we have experienced with other people because of expectations we have placed on them because of what we would be willing to do for them.

We might get upset if someone doesn’t agree with our idea. We might get upset if that person didn’t read our minds the same way we feel we do theirs. We might get upset if that person doesn’t call just to check in on us the way we do for them.  We might get upset if that person doesn’t seem to share the same approach to catch ups or demonstrating their excitement for us when something big happens in our lives.  We expect that because we would do it for them that naturally they would in return.

 

If you are doing things for others only because you expect the same in return, then you’ve got it all wrong. You’ll always feel jipped. Why? Two things.

1) You’re doing business, not practising kindness when you do something only to expect it to be done for you in return. Don’t think you do this? Take 5 minutes and think about the last time someone disappointed you. Was somewhere in that feeling of disappointment did you recall a list of times in your mind when you have done things for them and therefore why could they not reciprocate? Be honest with yourself here.

2) We are all different. We all have different values and what one person might think is a fair and reasonable thing to do for someone, isn’t always aligned with someone else’s belief.

In a blog post I wrote nearly 12 months ago now (but boy is every word of it still true!), I was reflecting on things I wish I knew years ago.  Things that would have saved me alot of pain, tears and stress.  One of them was this.

 

“Don’t do things for people on the basis that you expect they will for you in return. Everyone is different and if you’re only doing something for someone in the hope you will receive it back, when it doesn’t happen, you’ll just be resentful for something you expected from them, that was ultimately self-serving and that they may not even be aware of.”

This is your fault, not theirs.

 

If you want to know what the other 9 things I know now are, check them out by clicking here .

 

Here are some of the common things I see and hear from people in terms of what we expect of others. Do any of them sounds familiar to you?

 

I expect you to know what I am thinking the way I try to do for you

I expect you to do the same favour for me that I was prepared to do for you

I expect you to be happy for me the way I was for you

I expect you to like me because I like you

I expect you to agree with me or my idea, because I agreed with yours.

 

We might not say these things outright, but these are the thoughts, the emotions that run around in our minds when we experience the feeling like someone has let us down.

You know what all of these statements have in common? There is so much “I” in them. Its not actually about the other person at all, it is about you. At the very root of the disappointment or the sadness of feeling someone hasn’t reciprocated your kindness is ego.

 

When we do things for others only because we want something in return – maybe not now, but someday, we aren’t practising kindness at all, we are simply trying to mask a business transaction as kindness.  When we do things for others only to expect it in return, we aren’t genuine.

 

Above all else, its exhausting! Do things for yourself or for others because you WANT to. Without expectation, without conditions, without a future favour in your back pocket. Just do it because you want to. Help a colleague – because you can. Support a friend – because you can.  Like someone – because you can and you genuinely do, not because you hope they like you in return.

 

Put simply – do not expect anything from anyone, ever. Instead, be grateful for the kindness when it comes your way.

 

I help women get out of their own ways. I help you deal with the overthinking. The Imposter Syndrome. The self-doubt. All the things currently getting in your way of being a confident, kick a** woman in your workplace and in your life. Need help? Contact me at  youcan@eatingyourcaketoo.com and let’s see how I can help you.  Our first phone consultation is completely obligation free.

Much Love,
Claire Seeber


Keen advocate for helping you get the f*ck out of your own way!
youcan@eatingyourcaketoo.com
www.eatingyourcaketoo.com.au

POSTED IN POSITIVE ATTITUDE

Author

Claire Seeber is a self-proclaimed travel addict, mini-sausage dog mumma, avid blogger, a lover of a good glass of pinot noir and believes a solid belly laugh should be part of your every day.

She is also a professional coach, speaker and People and Culture consultant. Claire started her business in 2017 whilst working full time as General Manager of HR for a large retail business. What she loves the most about the work she does is being able to work with passionate, motivated and courageous people who genuinely want to reach their full potential and are ready to put the hard yards in to get there.

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I used to laugh when people would tell me that they were having some “self-care” time, or dedicating a day in their weekend to “self-care” . I didn’t understand it, or think I had the time for something as hippy-vibing as that.  Then I became aware of the impact of not having this time as something you consciously include in your life.

Self care is essentially described as any activity that you do voluntarily which helps you maintain your physical, mental or emotional health. It can help you feel healthy, relaxed, and ready to take on your work and responsibilities (reachout.com). 

In a world where saying “I am so busy” is viewed as a status symbol, and where technology has literally taken over every aspect of our lives, we are more ‘wired-in’ than ever.  Consequently, we are more susceptible to stress, anxiety, mental health issues and burnout than ever before.

What do you do to take time out, or unwind?  Does it involve technology?  Perhaps scrolling your phone and checking Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and the like?  I caught myself doing this the other night and smacked myself out of it. I had just gotten home from work, had had a big day and was exhausted. What did I decide to do to relax?  Check my Facebook, scroll my Insta-feed, Linkedin, Twitter and every other bloody social media app I had on my phone. I wasn’t relaxing at all – I was just wiring myself up in a different part of my life.

 

We have become so reliant on technology that we no longer understand what it is like to just be with our own thoughts, or our own company. We do it for 5 minutes and it feels weird, or we get “bored”, so we reach for our phones!  I dare you to check yourself. Watch how many times you reach for your phone when you are somewhere on your own, or you have a moment to sit and chill. Even when you are walking down the street, or waiting at a cafe for a mate. Heaven forbid you just sat there in your own glory and enjoyed your surroundings! Let me know how many times you instinctively just reach for your phone instead of taking in what and who is around you! P.s I caught myself doing it heaps initially!

Providing myself time for self-care is a conscious decision I have made to help myself stay focused, relaxed and mentally resilient. Is it tough to stick to sometimes? Absolutely! But the difference that you feel in your own mind when you do take the time versus when you don’t is worth it’s weight in gold!  Check out the steps below that I have taken. I would love if you jumped on the journey with me!

 

1. Outsource the things you don’t like – Hate ironing (I do!!)? Find someone who can do this for you! Find yourself using your well-deserved weekends to clean your house, or do the chores you actually hate and that make you resent your well earned weekend!?. Outsource! Work out the dollar cost of your time (you can do this by working out what your hourly rate is from your salary, or find the average if you earn a weekly wage), if the task you hate doing is equal to or less than the dollar cost of your time, then that is a no brainer!

 

2. Treat yo-self and feel good about it! Decide on something that you really enjoy treating yourself to. It might be a massage, or getting your nails done. Having the time to read a book, or getting a facial. Meditation, yoga, or a walk along the beach. Whatever it might be, decide to treat yourself to this once a month and stick to it! You will look forward to it and it will be something you do just for you.

 

3.  Remove distractions – You don’t need to check your phone every 5 minutes. Put your phone in another room when you are taking some time out so that you remove temptation to check it. Note: This will feel weird to start with, but I promise you, you WILL be ok!

 

4. Get up earlier in the morning– I used to have a real beef with this one and I often struggle to get up in the morning, unless it is to meet someone else, usually about something FOR someone else! I used to put pressure on myself for not being like those “really successful people” who get up at 5am every morning and are super effective.  Now I look at this differently.  It is about getting up earlier than whatever time YOU usually do.  If you usually get up at 7.30am, then try and get up at 6.30am.  That gives you 1 hour every day just to focus on YOU before you even consider starting your work tasks! What a bloody great way to start the day knowing that the full first hour has just been about you.

 

5. Have your own ritual that you love and feel good about – then stick to it! We wouldn’t stand someone else up, yet we are often happy to do this to ourselves! Work out what your perfect morning would look like and then try to do this atleast once or twice a week! Maybe it is getting up and going for a walk, then making a fresh smoothie before work. Having the time to grab a coffee on your way to work and read the paper, or listening to a good audio book on the car/train/bus etc.  Whatever it is for you – work it out and then commit to it.

 

Self-Care is so important to ensuring that you are keeping your mind clear and functioning, instead of hazy and exhausted. Too often we are so focussed on meeting the needs of everyone else that we forget the importance of taking care of ourselves. Self-care habits don’t have to be big, they can be small things each day that you consciously do, just for you.

 

I am always looking for new ways to make sure that I keep caring for myself – if you have any tips that you use, I would love to hear them and try them myself! Email me at youcan@eatingyourcaketoo.com.au , comment below, or post on our Instagram page.

Much Love!

Claire xxx
Keen advocate for helping you get the f*ck out of your own way! 

Author

Claire Seeber is a self-proclaimed travel addict, mini-sausage dog mumma, avid blogger, a lover of a good glass of pinot noir and believes a solid belly laugh should be part of your every day.

She is also a professional coach, speaker and People and Culture consultant. Claire started her business in 2017 whilst working full time as General Manager of HR for a large retail business. What she loves the most about the work she does is being able to work with passionate, motivated and courageous people who genuinely want to reach their full potential and are ready to put the hard yards in to get there.

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Have you ever had a conversation with someone about your goals or your dreams and they look at you with a face like “You must be crazzzzzzy” – you just know they are thinking “tell her she’s dreaming”, and that that long list of ambitions and goals of what you want to achieve in your life is only ever going to stay just that. A dream.

This happens to me regularly, and I know I am not the only one. Although people are often not ill-intended when they rain on your parade, it does what any solid douse of negativity or condescending tone does – it plants a seed of self-doubt in your mind.

It starts to make you question if you can have it all. Can you have your cake and eat it too?

It starts to make you question if you are wanting for too much, or expecting too much.  Most people can’t help themselves but be bound by the restrictions they place on their own lives – it is just the way most humans are innately wired, and it works for society for us to be that way. To think that we can’t have it all. To think that the job we are in we must keep just because it pays the bills even if we are unhappy. To not put ourselves out there and stretch ourselves, because trying and failing is worse than the ignorance of the unknown.

I am again calling Bulls**t on that and if you are reading this, then there is a part of you that is too!

If you follow the right strategy and you keep your eye on the prize YOU CAN have it all. You will also be less aware of the haters or the negativity they bring because of the momentum you’ll have gained in achieving YOUR goals – all of a sudden the negativity doesn’t affect you because you are going to the beat of your own drum and kicking goals all round (excuse my merging of multiple metaphors into the one sentence!).

Here are three (3) P’s that I now choose to live by…..


PURPOSE

Understand what YOU want. What is YOUR purpose? Not Joe’s down the road, or Maria in the cubicle next to you. Yours.  What is the point of the long days, the late-night emails, the 2 hours a day on public transport? What does this get you, and more importantly, do you want it? If you do, then fuck yes, my friend, you are on the right path! If not, now is the time for you to think about the following questions.

What are your short term and long term goals and what does YOUR wish list really look like? Understanding this is the hardest part – it doesn’t sound hard, but I dare you to sit down and really reflect on what you want. Really want. Ask yourself these questions.

  1. What are you passionate about? What excites you?
  2. What do you value in life? (i.e. family, friends, adventure, career, wealth, freedom etc).
  3. What are your non-negotiables in life? (i.e. having a successful career, being fit, having children, driving a nice car etc).
  4. When you wake up each morning, are you pumped for your day, or do you drag yourself out of bed counting how many days until the weekend?

 

PUT YOUR GOALS ON PAPER

This is the fun part! Now that you are clear on your purpose, what does that look like in the short term and the long term? Often people are too scared to take the time to focus on this part and put it down on paper. Why? Because once they do this, sh*t just got REAL! You’ve committed and now you must follow through on that commitment.

  1. What do you want to achieve in the short term – the next 1 -3 years? This could be a holiday, saving for a house deposit, to get married, to meet a partner, spend more time with friends, get that promotion. It should be anything that is important to YOU.
  2. What do you want to achieve in the longer term? This is 5+ years. What does a “Full Life” mean to you? It could be the freedom and flexibility in your job to have enough time to focus on a hobby. It could be making enough money to buy that dream car, dream house, dream boat. It could be saving up enough money to buy a house with a backyard for your family to enjoy. It could be packing up for 6 months and travelling the world. Anything that gets your blood pumping. Do not put boundaries on things here. Think big. Too often we go straight to the reasons why somthing won’t work before we have even considered that it could. 


PRIORITISE YOUR GOALS MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE

We often talk about prioritisation when we talk about our job and the number of tasks we need to get done during the day. For some reason though, when it comes to our personal goals and what we want to achieve out of our lives, we don’t allow ourselves the option to prioritise. We already have put ourselves last. That shit stops now! You have just said that the goals you have listed for the short term and the long term are the things the most important to you and your ability to live a full life. Therefore, why should they not be more important than anything else???

 

If you want to achieve these goals, you need to make the time to do so, AND you need to stick to it.

For example, is your short-term goal to lose 10 kilos in the next 12 months? How the hell do you do that if you don’t make a commitment to yourself to prioritise this first? If your sitting at your desk all day, every day sipping on coffees and eating crap, I see 10 kilos hitting your ass, not falling off it.


Prioritise YOUR goals first.

I could go on about this topic all day because it really is the biggest driver to living the live you want. And once you are doing that, suddenly you don’t actually give a fuck about the haters, the negative bystanders, the cynics and sceptics –  let them watch you have your cake and eat it too!

Much love as always peeps!

If you like reading my posts and know others who might get something out of it, I would love if you shared the love. Helping me get my content out there is the greatest gift you can give me. 

 

If you have any topics you’d also like to hear more about, then I would love to connect with you. Email me at youcan@eatingyourcaketoo.com

Claire Seeber xxxx

Keen advocate for the getting the f*ck out of your own way to live the life you want!

Author

Claire Seeber is a self-proclaimed travel addict, mini-sausage dog mumma, avid blogger, a lover of a good glass of pinot noir and believes a solid belly laugh should be part of your every day.

She is also a professional coach, speaker and People and Culture consultant. Claire started her business in 2017 whilst working full time as General Manager of HR for a large retail business. What she loves the most about the work she does is being able to work with passionate, motivated and courageous people who genuinely want to reach their full potential and are ready to put the hard yards in to get there.

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