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Helping yourself, Life Tips

The scary wake-up call I had that made me realise I was practising self-care all wrong!!!!

Nearly two years ago now I wrote a blog post about the self-care craze and how important it is to ensure we take time for ourselves to ‘tap out’ of being online all the time and to take time for ourselves to reflect, unwind and switch off. I still believe in all the tips in that article and they have certainly served their purpose for me (check the blog post out here), however, I’ve also realised this……

“I’VE BEEN DOING SELF-CARE ALL WRONG AT ITS VERY CORE!!!!”

At its very basic level, self-care is about, just that – caring for ourselves.  Yet, after having a pretty scary wake-up call recently I have realised that NO amount of smoothies, meditation or walks along the beach, will save me from not taking care of myself at the very base level.  

What do I mean by this? I mean, sticking to health appointments, following up on concerns you might have and not falling into the trap of saying “I am too busy”, because what we are really saying is “my health isn’t a priority”. And it is easy to take it for granted, particularly if you have had a really good run health wise. It’s easy to assume you’ll always be like that and therefore not stay on top of the things that you should – e.g Drs appointments, annual check-ups, skin checks, etc.

You might be reading this going “yeah, no worries, I take my health seriously!”. Yep, I was saying that too. And it was all good and well, until I got hit with the truth bomb that I did saying I’ve got skin cancer in the form of melanoma. Boom. Just like that. I also knew pretty quickly that it had gotten to the stage that it did because I ignored it. Ignorantly had put other priorities first.  Ignorantly thought I had more important things to do.

Now, that really isn’t self-care at all, is it? But I also get that it is so easy to fall into this trap like I did and think “nothing like this will happen to me”. Or, “I’m fine, I don’t have time for this”. Yet, somehow, we will still manage to make time for things not important and so not related to self-care, or to our health. None of the Instagram scrolling, the TV watching, or Netflixing really matters in the long run. We will never wish we did more of that.

And to be really honest, my first thought when I was told that the mole I had on my leg was cancerous, was GUILT. This was MY fault.  I let it get this far. I knew deep down I needed to make an appointment ages ago, but I kept letting “busy” get in the way of important. I kept letting work take priority. Or, I’d keep making excuses to myself, like having meetings I couldn’t move, or projects I needed to do as an excuse. I don’t write this to be a martyr, and I definitely do not write it to rag on my workplace as it would have to be the most genuinely supportive place I have ever worked. I write it because I know I am not alone. I know there are others who would be using their “busyness” as an excuse.  Their full diaries as a reason not to go to an appointment. I now have only one response for this…. STOP IT. We need to take accountability for ourselves and our health.

Why? Because your health needs to be number one, always. It must come first. It is the ultimate form of self-care and if you can make time to blend your morning smoothie, walk along the beach, do a yoga class, or scroll your Instagram feed, then you can 100% make time for your self-care at its very base level.

This blog has always prided itself on being honest, vulnerable and cutting through the crap. Part of that means me being completely honest with you all when sh*t gets a bit real in my own life. If even one person goes and makes a skin check appointment out of this blog, I’ll have achieved my goal.

If you’ve found yourself stuck in your own way – NOW is the time to get out of it. I can help you. Just ask me how. That is the first step.

Much Love,

Claire Seeber

Keen advocate for helping you get the f*ck out of your own way! 
youcan@eatingyourcaketoo.com
www.eatingyourcaketoo.com.au
www.claireseeber.com.au

Author

Claire Seeber is a self-proclaimed travel addict, mini-sausage dog mumma, avid blogger, a lover of a good glass of pinot noir and believes a solid belly laugh should be part of your every day.

She is also a professional coach, speaker and People and Culture consultant. Claire started her business in 2017 whilst working full time as General Manager of HR for a large retail business. What she loves the most about the work she does is being able to work with passionate, motivated and courageous people who genuinely want to reach their full potential and are ready to put the hard yards in to get there.

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How to rise above when people want to drag you down…

Part of the process of successful of goal setting is ultimately creating a plan for your success. It is all good and well to have the vision and goals, but without the plan in place to make them happen they are really just wish lists on a page or in your head. Also, your goals and vision should ultimately be underpinned by your values – these are what you consider to be the most important things in your life.

Therefore, as an example, if you are saying the most important things in your life are your family, friends and health, then your vision for what your life looks like should also be aligned to these, as should the plan you then put in place to achieve them.  Often though, this is where we fall down. We create these amazing vision boards, goals list etc, but we don’t commit to the changes we need to make in order to then achieve them. 

“Show me your schedule and I will show you your values” is a phrase I have used before and I will use again.

What YOU allow to take up YOUR time the most is what you are saying that you really, truly value the most. Actions speak louder than words.

If you take the time to review your current schedule, where do you think the most time is spent?  And, when I say time, I don’t just mean physical time – time also includes the hours you may spend thinking about something, the nights you lose sleep overthinking things – this is all time.

A few years ago, I decided to do this exercise for myself. Something had to change in my life and an assessment of where I currently was seemed like a logical place to start.  I printed off my schedule and bucketed it up into the key themes – I had to be very honest with myself too. I learned that about 60% of my time, or, on average, 100 hours of the 168 hours I had in any given week, were being spent on work – and as I said above that included actual work, thinking about work, and then overthinking about work! Next, it was about 25 -30% rest/sleep and maybe 10% time for relationships and play.  Zero time allotted to exercise, or development and growth.

I did this to myself though.  I allowed this to happen by not having clear boundaries to prioritise the things most important to me (and massively by allowing myself to overthink – if you think that might be you, check this blog post out on Overthinking!). CLICK HERE

I dare you to do this little exercise over the next few weeks as part of kicking off your new year in the right way. Keep a log each day of where your hours go. Split them into the following buckets that make up your balance wheel

  • Work and Career
  • Rest and Sleep
  • Relationships (Family and friends)  
  • Exercise and Nutrition
  • Development and Growth (e.g reading, learning, meditation, intellectual stimulation etc)
  • Play

Keep a balance journal and see where you land at the end of 30 days. Assess where you find your time gets spent. This will tell you your values as they currently stand.  Once you have had a chance to reflect on your journal, ask yourself this.  Is it where you want it to be? Are there areas of opportunity? Are you ‘walking your own talk’ in terms of your values and boundaries?

This exercise is also not to say that there won’t be times where your work load might be heavy and you might be “tilting” towards work more than you usually would. That is ok – it is when this lifestyle or schedule becomes the norm for us and we become completely out of sync with our own priorities that we need to step back, breathe and make some changes.

If you need help setting boundaries and sticking to them. I can help you. If you aren’t sure of your place, your purpose or even your own goals. I can help you.

But….the first step starts with you to decide that you are done being in your own way and ready to help yourself.

If there is something in you that just wants a little more. If there is something in you that knows there must be more to what you are experiencing now, but you don’t know what it is. If you aren’t sad, but you definitely aren’t happy – talk to me.  I can help you wake up in the morning excited to take on the day. I can help you build the confidence you need to ask for what you want. I can help you gain clarity on what your career path could, should and can be. Email me at youcan@eatingyourcaketoo.com for a confidential and free 20-minute chat.

Much Love,
Claire Seeber
Keen advocate for helping you get the f*ck out of your own way! 
youcan@eatingyourcaketoo.com
www.eatingyourcaketoo.com.au
www.claireseeber.com.au

POSTED IN LIFE TIPSPURPOSE

Author

Claire Seeber is a self-proclaimed travel addict, mini-sausage dog mumma, avid blogger, a lover of a good glass of pinot noir and believes a solid belly laugh should be part of your every day.

She is also a professional coach, speaker and People and Culture consultant. Claire started her business in 2017 whilst working full time as General Manager of HR for a large retail business. What she loves the most about the work she does is being able to work with passionate, motivated and courageous people who genuinely want to reach their full potential and are ready to put the hard yards in to get there.

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How to rise above when people want to drag you down…

So…… it sounds like my last blog post hit a bit of a nerve in a lot of people and how difficult it can be to ask for what you want. Thank you for the kind words and the awesome feedback on the blog – this is what keeps me going and gives me a feel for what people want to hear!  Last fortnights blog was specifically related to how to state your salary expectations with confidence and my experience of women not being great at this. If you haven’t read it yet, check it out here.

What this article seemed to open up though was a range of different areas in peoples lives where they do not feel confident or comfortable to ask for what they want. Examples that have come through to me have been around things like flexibility in working days, or hours, the confidence to ask for more responsibility, and even the confidence to ask for some (by the sounds of it, well deserved) annual leave!

Although the 5 steps that I gave in my last blog can be relevant in a lot of ways to anything that you want to ask for, here are a couple of suggestions for things that you can do to confidently prepare yourself to ask for what you want that might not specifically be about salary.

1) Ask yourself these questions beforehand:

 

Do you think your request is reasonable?

 

If it is related to work – is it fair, researched and not emotionally based?

 

Would you do it for someone else if they asked you?

 

What is the worst that could happen by you making this request? Literally, the worst-case scenario? (hint: usually it is just that the answer is NO!)

 

Asking yourself these questions first is really important.  Why? Because it allows rational you to come forward and layer another perspective on things. It helps you remove emotion and fear as to whether what you are asking for is truly reasonable. Just because we want something, doesn’t always make it reasonable. Going through this thought process gives you the opportunity to really reflect on that. I would LOVE to work from a Greek island with a cocktail and masseuse on call for a year, but unfortunately if I reflect on it rationally, for my role, it is probably not a reasonable request (Daaaammmnnn!!).

 

The most important question to ask yourself here also is “What is the worst that could happen from asking for what you want?”. We often work ourselves up so much to ask for something that we then don’t even ask for it because we’ve already convinced ourselves that it will never happen. Remove some of the fear by asking yourself what the worst thing is that could happen.

 

 

2) Be clear and practice hearing yourself ask for what you want before you do it

Yes, I did just suggest you practice asking for what you want – possibly in a mirror of some sort, or at the very least out loud. Why did I suggest that? Because that way when the words come out of your mouth for the first time you wont panic at what you’ve just asked and downplay the request, or worse yet take the request back! Be clear in what you are asking for and why (which you will be after doing step 1) and then ensure that you have thought about how you are going to ask.

3) Watch your body language

Be aware of your body language when asking for what you want.  Are you hunched over with your face talking to the ground and your request is barely heard? Are your arms crossed? Are you biting your nails or twirling your flippin’ hair?  Or, are you standing/sitting up straight with a positive tone, good eye contact (not a stare contest!) asking for what you want? This TED Talk by Amy Cuddy was shared with me a little while ago and it is a great talk all about the power of body language. Check it out here. It is 20 minutes well spent!

 

 

 

4) Don’t fall in a heap if the answer is NO

Here’s the hard truth. You won’t always get what you want. Sometimes the answer will be NO. But, before you let yourself fall in heap and believe that the world is out to get you (oh boy, have I been here!), consider this – a NO is not a personal rejection. Accept it for what it is and move forward. If you aren’t clear on why the response was no, then absolutely seek clarity. Ask if there is anything you could do to find a middle ground, or is there perhaps a timeframe where the request could be revisited. But, once this is discussed, and if the answer is still no, don’t wallow, don’t drown yourself in negativity – be graceful and move on.

 

 

 

5) Know your values and what is most important to you

This is probably the most important step of all. Understanding what is important to you – I cannot beat this drum hard enough. If you know what the most important things to you are and what your values are, then you will know how to deal with a no that could come your way. You will know if that is just a minor set-back, or is it a full-blown case of “its time to reassess”. If you need some help working out what this is for you, check out one of my older posts which might help.

I help women get out of their own ways. I help you deal with the overthinking. The Imposter Syndrome. The self-doubt. All the things currently getting in your way of being a confident, kick a** woman in your workplace and in your life. Need help? Contact me at  youcan@eatingyourcaketoo.com and let’s see how I can help you.  Our first phone consultation is completely obligation free.

Much Love,
Claire Seeber

Keen advocate for helping you get the f*ck out of your own way!
youcan@eatingyourcaketoo.com
www.eatingyourcaketoo.com.au

Author

Claire Seeber is a self-proclaimed travel addict, mini-sausage dog mumma, avid blogger, a lover of a good glass of pinot noir and believes a solid belly laugh should be part of your every day.

She is also a professional coach, speaker and People and Culture consultant. Claire started her business in 2017 whilst working full time as General Manager of HR for a large retail business. What she loves the most about the work she does is being able to work with passionate, motivated and courageous people who genuinely want to reach their full potential and are ready to put the hard yards in to get there.

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Do you recall the last time you applied for a new role? You get a call from the recruiter and you are pumped that you have gotten through the first hoop. They are talking to you about the role and it all sounds flippin’ fantastic! Then, it feels like out of nowhere they ask you for your salary expectations. You panic. You sweat.  You stutter. If you are lucky you say your expectations with a molecule of confidence, but mostly just fumble through the sentence. You may even then put something on the end of the sentence like “Oh, but it’s really just about finding the right role. The money isn’t important to me!”. Eeeeeeeek. Sister, you are not alone.

I have coached several women who have been in this situation either regarding roles they’ve applied for, or roles they are currently in. I have also been in this situation and have then beaten myself up afterwards for not being prepared for the question.  I ask this question regularly when I recruit for roles and it still surprises me, even in the more senior space of recruitment, how often women get flustered when asked about what their salary expectations are. Why do we do this? Why do we not say with complete confidence what we are worth?

 Have you ever experienced this? How did you feel when you hung up the phone and you knew it was too late to go back now and say a different figure because you panicked and said the wrong thing? Have you ever even accepted a role considerably lower than your expectations because you felt you couldn’t say what you really felt you were worth? Maybe you didn’t want to rock the boat, or loose the job opportunity because of the money.

My question is this – Why, for the most part do men seem so often more confident in saying exactly what they expect? (yes, I know this is a sweeping generalisation!) So much so that you almost just assume, “Oh, ok they must be worth that”. Infact, sometimes, in my recruitment experience, I have even had my question about what the applicant’s salary expectations are, returned with a question. Yes – they answered my question with their own damn confidently executed question about what I was prepared to offer for the role! At the other end of the spectrum though, often sits us. Highly capable, competent and professional women, yet for some reason when asked what we are worth, we fumble and panic on the other end of the phone trying to work out our answer to the question.

Let me give you two recent examples from phone calls that I have had regarding separate roles I have been recruiting for as part of my other full-time role (General Manager of People and Culture for a large retail business):

Example A) I was speaking to a gentleman the other day regarding a role and after talking about the role for about 20 minutes or so, I went to ask for his salary expectations – his response straight away was, “What is your banding for the role?” “What are you prepared to pay for the role?”. He literally answered my question with a question without even batting an eyelid (atleast that is how I imagined it given I couldn’t see him!).

Example B) I am on the phone to a woman about a different role and I go through the same 20 or so minute discussion about the role before asking her what her salary expectations are. She pauses for about 5 seconds, panics and then says, “I’m so sorry, I just don’t know what to say”. She then apologises again. Then continues to say she is really unsure what to say. We then sit in silence for another 5 seconds or so whilst I wait for an answer. I then ask if she would like to talk me through what she is on now as a package instead. The candidate then responded with that she would prefer not to disclose what she was on currently. Awkward.  

Here are my tips for preparing yourself mentally for when you get asked this question and how to then nail it when you answer the question:

1) Know both your current package breakdown and your expected salary package figure in advance. This sounds obvious, but a number of people I speak to are unclear on this and it can sometimes come across as untruthful when they fumble through stating it. Also make sure you know your package as a base salary, and as a package including super or anything else you may receive.

2) Do your research on what the market is offering to be sure that if you are going in asking for more than your current package that you are in line with market. Doing this research is not just a matter of going onto seek and downloading a couple of ads that look marginally similar to the roles you might be looking at. It is about considering things like size of business, scope of role, team size if you are managing people, your experience, level of risk in the role, industry, state etc. Do your homework honestly. Don’t just look for data that aligns with what you want to get – what is the market really offering.

3) It is all good to have a difference between what you are on now and what you want to ask for in your next role. After all, if you are going to move on or upwards in your role, it is understandable that you would want it to be for more, but be sure that you are confident about that as you could get asked both questions.

4) Practise saying your salary expectations over and over again and with confidence. Hear them out loud so that the first time you say it out loud to a recruiter you don’t panic and then add a sentence on the end like “oh, but the money is not that important though!”.

5) Be prepared to walk away if there is a considerable difference between what you believe you are worth and what the company will offer. This is a really important one and it is so critical here that you have thought about what is important to you. If a new role cannot offer you the package that you are after, but it can offer other things that are important to you (eg, flexibility in working hours, opportunity to work from home, learning and development opportunities, less commute, travel opportunities etc) then it is ok to still consider it. Just ensure you are being true to you and what is important to you and not accepting something you are not comfortable with, just because you think you must.

Talking salary can be scary and is often one of the things people hate talking about (it is up there with bather shopping for sure!). But, it doesn’t have to be an uncomfortable conversation if you are sure in yourself what you are worth and you ask for it with confidence.

I help women get out of their own ways. I help you deal with the overthinking. The Imposter Syndrome. The self-doubt. All the things currently getting in your way of being a confident, kick a** woman. Need help? Contact me at youcan@eatingyourcaketoo.com and let’s see how I can help you.  Our first phone consultation is completely obligation free.

Much Love,

Claire Seeber

Keen advocate for helping you get the f*ck out of your own way!
youcan@eatingyourcaketoo.com
www.eatingyourcaketoo.com.au

Author

Claire Seeber is a self-proclaimed travel addict, mini-sausage dog mumma, avid blogger, a lover of a good glass of pinot noir and believes a solid belly laugh should be part of your every day.

She is also a professional coach, speaker and People and Culture consultant. Claire started her business in 2017 whilst working full time as General Manager of HR for a large retail business. What she loves the most about the work she does is being able to work with passionate, motivated and courageous people who genuinely want to reach their full potential and are ready to put the hard yards in to get there.

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My last two blog posts have been a lot about why I no longer make New Years Resolutions and why I think you can achieve greater success without them through committing to longer term goals and then reviewing them regularly.  Did you miss them – Check them out here and here!

Part of the success of goal setting is ultimately creating a plan for success. It is all good and well to have the vision and goals, but without the plan in place to make them happen they are really just wish lists on a page or in your head. Also, your goals and vision should ultimately be underpinned by your values – these are what YOU consider to be the most important things in your life.

Therefore, as an example, if you are saying the most important things in your life are your family, friends and health, then your vision for what your life looks like should also be aligned to these, as should the plan you then put in place to achieve them.  Often though, this is where we fall down. We create these amazing vision boards, goals lists etc, but we don’t commit to the changes we need to make in order to then achieve them. 

Show me your schedule and I will show you your values.

I used to fall victim to this ALL the time.  I would say to myself regularly that my health and my relationships were hands down the most important things to me, yet day after day I would roll late from work exhausted, grumpy, and often having barely eaten for the day. I wouldn’t make plans at night because I’d assume I would have to work. Then, because I didn’t make any plans, I would work. It was a vicious cycle, but one I did to myself because I didn’t truly prioritise my values and I didn’t plan on how to deal with any obstacles that got in my way.

If I printed off my schedule back then and bucketed it up into the key themes, absolutely it would be made up of approx 60% work (that includes actual work, thinking about work, and then overthinking about work!), 30% rest/sleep and maybe 10% time for recreation.  Zero time allotted to exercise, or development and growth. I did this to myself though.  I allowed this to happen by not having clear boundaries to prioritise the things most important to me (and by allowing myself to overthink – if you think that might be you, check this blog post out on Overthinking!).

I dare you to do this little exercise over the next few weeks. Keep a log each day of where your hours go. Split them into the following buckets.

  • Work
  • Rest
  • Relationships (Family and friends) + Play
  • Exercise
  • Development and Growth (e.g reading, learning, meditation etc)

See where you land at the end of 3 weeks and where you find your time gets spent. This will tell you your values as they currently stand.

Reflect on this log. Is it where you want it to be? Are there areas of opportunity? If so, what are they and what are you going to do about them? What changes will you make to get your schedule back in alignment with your values?  I would love to hear from you on what you have found – email me at youcan@eatingyourcaketoo.com

This exercise is also not to say that there wont be times where your work load might be heavy and you might be “tilting” towards work more than you usually would. That is ok – it is when this lifestyle or schedule becomes the norm for us and we become completely out of sync with our own priorities that we need to step back, breathe and make some changes.

If you want to know more about what “tilting means, check out this link where I quote the article as one of my slices of inspo. CLICK HERE.

I help women get out of their own ways. I help you deal with the overthinking. The Imposter Syndrome. The self-doubt. All the things currently getting in your way of being a confident, kick a** woman. Need help? Contact me at youcan@eatingyourcaketoo.com and let’s see how I can help you.  Our first phone consultation is completely obligation free.

Much Love,

Claire Seeber

Keen advocate for helping you get the f*ck out of your own way!
youcan@eatingyourcaketoo.com
www.eatingyourcaketoo.com.au

Author

Claire Seeber is a self-proclaimed travel addict, mini-sausage dog mumma, avid blogger, a lover of a good glass of pinot noir and believes a solid belly laugh should be part of your every day.

She is also a professional coach, speaker and People and Culture consultant. Claire started her business in 2017 whilst working full time as General Manager of HR for a large retail business. What she loves the most about the work she does is being able to work with passionate, motivated and courageous people who genuinely want to reach their full potential and are ready to put the hard yards in to get there.

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